I, like many Christians, have wondered where to start if I was to write or speak about my testimony. Today, and so many drafts later, I feel compelled to share what I would otherwise deem imperfect. Even as I write this testimony, I am encouraged because i know that God is the perfector and He will make any imperfections perfect.
Speaking of imperfections, as I look back on my life I realize that so much of it has been lived imperfectly. I’ve made so many mistakes and taken so many wrong turns. Truthfully speaking, it’s only through God’s restoring power that I have been able to come out on the other end feeling more fulfilled than discouraged.
With each passing year of my life, I feel like I am drawn even closer to God than I thought was possible. Just when I think I can’t get any closer, a new chapter begins, and I end up facing more challenges, trials and joys – all of which, like a force, pull me closer to God.
In fact, if I could sum up so many of the past years of my life where my relationship with God wasn’t as close as it is now, I’d sum it up with one word – empty.
The kind of emptiness I’m referring to is the emptiness that a person feels internally rather than by extension of lacking physical/ material resources. You know the kind of emptiness you feel when nothing about the future feels truly exciting? Yes. That kind of emptiness.
That was my breaking point.
tHE BREAKING POINT
My breaking point happened during the Covid era.
COVID was a wrecking time for so many people all over the world- and I was not exempt from its impact. I don’t think I remember a lonelier or more miserable part of my life. I might sound like a broken record but no other description fits how I felt other than just… empty.
I felt so empty.
It was bad enough that the world was in shambles but it felt worse for me because I was already experiencing the beginning of this wreckage prior to the Covid era.
Covid was just the cherry on top of my misery because I was already experiencing internal havoc.
That might sound like an exaggeration but at that point in my life I had no career to speak of (and not for lack of effort), no romantic relationship (no matter how ready I felt I was for one), no source of income (thanks Covid), in debt (again- thanks Covid) …. and what felt like a blow to me was that I had lost two of my very close friends (not to death or any of the natural causes that result in the end of friendships- but due to what I could only describe as betrayal).
My sister, who had always been more of a friend than a sister, was out of the country pursuing her own life ventures (Elizabeth *not her real name* if you are reading this – you rock!). I digress.
Her absence from the country was bittersweet for me. It was sweet because I knew she was doing great things and working hard towards her future. But I also felt bitter about it because her absence, coupled with the recent end to some of my closest friendships, made it severely debilitating towards my mental health.
Loneliness sat so closely with me that I embraced it.
At the time, my younger brother (and again, one who resonates as both a friend and a sibling) was on the other side of the country pursuing his undergraduate studies.
This added to the loneliness I felt but surprisingly all of that wasn’t crushing for enough for me.
What crushed me… what truly wrecked me was seeing my mother – my only living parent’s -health start to deteriorate amidst all the chaos of my life.
It was the thing that made me wonder, “where are you God?”
Where was He?
Nothing made sense.
Nowhere made sense.
It felt like I was sitting in an emptiness that ran deeper with each new day.
I felt like I had missed so many good things in life.
I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Life, as it always feels at least once in a person’s lifetime, felt like it wasn’t worth living anymore.
Deep down I knew that I couldn’t get myself out of it.
THE TURNING POINT
I’m not sure how to explain it but something just changed.
Something changed in my mind.
One thing about being in the middle of a crisis and having little to nothing fruitful going on with my life was that I started to realize how much time I had in my hands.
Ironically, when everything had ran out it was the one thing I realized I had left in abundance.
I had time. I had my life. And I had God.
With all the time I had in my minds, I started using it to analyze my life.
In moments of reflection, I looked at my life through multiple angles and timelines- replaying critical moments in my mind and evaluating them through the typical lens of “…what if I made a different decision here…”. But the only conclusion I could come up with was that I didn’t have the right answers to my own life’s problems.
Surely, I had tried – and I had been comically unfruitful in my efforts.
And yet my curiosity, inquisitiveness and oddly unrelenting nature wouldn’t let me be.
More questions led to more questions and then more.. . and even more.
I remember thinking, “Could it be that someone else or something else could guarantee a better future turnout for me? Was there anyone or anything that would serve as a better guide for my life decisions? Was it possible that life could get better?…”
What I didn’t know then- and only now do I understand in hindsight- is that the more questions I asked, the closer I was getting drawn to God.
My questions had turned into conversations with God.
My curiosity had cleared the path for me to meet with God.
My anguish had led me straight to His throne.
And my desperation had made room for me to run into His loving arms.
I had reached the turning point.
I was able to run to HIM.
With all my might, and armed with all my anger, bitterness, hurt, pain, loneliness, misery and emptiness- I ran to Him.
I’m not just talking about a person or a thing. I’m talking about the only one who transcends human understanding, the only one who could see my future and my past and make sense out of it and admittedly the only one who could solve my problems.
I ran to God.
THE JOURNEY AFTER
There’s something I have come to understand about life and that is- it’s one thing to move through life with God – it’s another to move through life with the full knowledge of God.
For me, understanding the difference between the concept of who God is and the reality of who God is, was my awakening. It opened my eyes, shifted my perspective and changed my entire outlook on life.
Suddenly, life became full of possibilities.
I had found a treasure.
God, I began to realize, had answers.
He knew exactly how I had messed up! The difference in my mentality was that I finally understood that not only did He know where I had messed up but He was both willing and able to help me clean it up!
What a treasure!
My God! My ever-present help!
My light in the darkness. My hope in the anguish. My peace in the chaos of life.
I found Him.
So, I started talking to Him about my life. I always had. What had changed was that I started talking to Him- not just as a person would talk to a friend whom they were lamenting to but as one would speak to a loving father who had the willingness and ability to change their life.
I started addressing God as the King of the Universe- as one who has the full ability to shift my life.
God was always capable of changing my life, but I was always the missing link. I realized that our God- as powerful as He is- is relationship-oriented above all else. He values partnership.
I talked to Him about so many things and learnt even more things in return.
I learnt about God’s wondrous nature, His plans for my life, and the importance of faith and obedience and trust and patience and consistency and so many other integral elements to the wonderful plans that God has for my life.
These gave me peace.
Slowly by slowly I started to make peace with the things that were beyond my control – like my mother’s health.
Over time, I also had the privilege of understanding just how wide and vast God’s plans are for all humanity.
I was humbled by the understanding that God always had a plan since the beginning of time- not just for me but for every one of His creations. I was even more perplexed by the realization that at best I had doubted His plans for my life and at worst I had given it little to no thought.
And yet… God had walked into my life and restored me ever so lovingly.
He breathed new life into my bones.
For me, understanding the difference between the concept of who God is and the reality of who God is, was my awakening. It opened my eyes, shifted my perspective and changed my entire outlook on life.
-Michelle Baybordi (2026)
PARTING SHOT
God changed my life. For this reason – I will continue to write about the things He has done for me. My mission is to let the whole world know.
The only one way to honor what God has done for me is by echoing the words of the Samaritan woman at the well. After having an encountered with Jesus she went out into the town saying, “…Come and see the only one who could tell me about my past.”
“Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?”
John 4:29
Come and see what the Lord has done for me!